la pensée de la semaine.

by emarie

i wonder if people realize that their lies are completely transparent. do people really think that other can't put two and two together? it hurts when friends lie but not giving me enough credit to figure out the truth is just plain insulting.

28.

happy birthday to me.

for some odd reason when i was growing up, i remember thinking that the ages 25 and 28 would be so exciting! i couldn't wait until those years fell upon me. well, lets just say 25 didn't treat me right. actually, it was the worst year of my life. and to be honest... the past two years that followed have not been that stellar. BUT! i have had some amazing times with friends and family, i've been a few places, i've learned so much about myself, and i'm taking the opportunity at trying my hand out with my dream of owning my own business.

now that i look back, it hasn't been that shabby!!! i've made quite a bit of progress. i may not have a husband, a home, a steady career, or a few toddlers running around (all the things i thought i would have by 28) but i'm doing what i want to be doing. and i do have things that i never imagined that i would posses like security, character, an open mind, and a vivacious disposition with taking on life head on. not that i didn't think i would have those things within me, i just never thought about it until the past few years. these are things that can not be taken away from me no matter what happens.

so i embark on this year i have looked forward to the most, 28. i'm excited about the possibilities. things are getting back on track and i'm ready to take on whatever comes my way! i have awesome people in my life who want nothing but greatness from me. they support me. they cheer me on. and best of all, they love me for me and will stand by me no matter what. without all of you, i wouldn't be so fearless!

liar.

by mindseyecards

okay. so i lied. i said i was back like a week ago and i had every intention of doing so but things just didn't work out in my favor. with packing, moving, saying goodbyes and dealing with the madness of rearranging my life, i haven't had a minute, that i wasn't tired, to sit down and blog. actually, the other night while on the phone with MusicMan i dosed off in the middle of our conversation because i was so exhausted!!! now that is quality Pearl Girl time.

but for reals... i'm going to try harder this time around to keep my post up.

hello internets, it's me, angela.

by rubylimedesign.

for some reason i'm having the hardest time coming up with something to post about.... not that i don't have tons to talk but i just can't figure out where to start. so for now, i'm starting with a hi, it's great to be back!

reasons.

by papermenagerie

when my SBJ died, people told me "Everything happens for a reason, Angela." i sometimes think people don't hear themselves when they speak and how they come across, or the context that they are applying these said sentiments. or maybe they just say what they've been programed to say. either way... i have constantly been on this search to find my reason for losing my husband.

for a while, i thought it honestly had nothing to do with me. i thought the reason was maybe for my SBJ's sister {her and her husbands lives changed tremendously for the better after we lost him} and because of that i was even more angered. honestly, i wanted it to be about me. after all, i was the one that lost my life partner.... the man who loved me without fail, the man i was suppose to have babies with, the man that i was supposed to build a life with, the man i was supposed to grow old with, the man who had all my life dreams wrapped up in him. i wanted it to be about me... selfish, i know.

through my search to figure all this out, i was fortunate enough to find someone else to share my days with... i thought i had found my reason in this someone; a love i had never felt before was suppose to come to me and take care of me and make everything right again. but i was wrong. i was wrong to think that someone else could take on the responsibility of defining my reason. for one, this is no one's battle but my own, a hard truth i have come to face. and for another, when i give someone else that power, they can take it away. which can hurt the most. now that more time has passed and i have had the opportunity to see things in a different manner, i have found MY reason, and it can not be taken away from me. no matter what, it IS mine.

losing my SBJs happened to me because i was to gain perspective. some of you have heard me talk about this in such depths that i'm sure you could put ear muffs on and still know what my exact point is by the time the conversation is done. but i look at it as my gift. my badge of courage. as conceited, or smug, or pompous as it may sound... i am proud of myself for the perspective i have gained. i get it. i think people spend their entire lives searching for some understanding of life, and how lucky am i that i understand a bit of it at 27. i get to apply that to the rest of my days. to me, that's amazing!

even though the five years i spent with my SBJ's was a short amount of time and, honestly, not always perfect {man, could we fight!}... i experienced some of the best characteristics a person could possibly posses. and for that i am lucky to have loved, and been loved, by him.

i am coming of out this a better person. a more prepared being. someone able to asses life in a manner that only comes with life experience. again, i am the lucky one.

crunch time.

i am completely unprepared for my upcoming trip to NYC. how did this happen?! i'm the queen of organization, of planning, of preparing, and schedules, and agendas, and itineraries... where has my head been?! DAMNIT... time to take it one block at a time.

not only am i not prepped for all the sightseeing and dining out adventures for my mother and me, but i'm behind on my business prep. although... i have always worked best under pressure!! but i feel like no matter what i do, this show is going to blow me away... and it takes a lot to blow me away. and that freaks me out a little... no. wait. a lot! it freaks me out a lot. but if it didn't scare me and make me nervous... it wouldn't be worth it!

censored.

by sweetheartsinner

when i started sharing this blog with some of the people in my life, i told myself i could not censor what i wrote. since then, the content has changed for the most part, which i do not mind one bit, and i find myself placating what i want to say here. i am annoyed at myself for letting others dictate my own censorship of my own space. i tread lightly because i don't want to hurt others. i hold back because things can be misconstrued. but i'm done contemplating the "what ifs". the majority of the randomness and thoughts i put here is my own stream of conciseness. just words.

i hate that i said 'just words' now. i know that words are powerful. i have been naive and lived by the words some people have told me. trusted them. i've put my faith in those words. but what i have learned is that Action is what i must live by. people must show me what they mean and how they feel. i know not all are capable of that but then maybe those people are meant for me. but i need people to SHOW me their character. i need to see it. i do not need to hear words about it.

regret?

by Krystan

there was something comforting about getting in my car this morning and making the dreaded 45 minute commute to work. i knew what i was in for... for the most part. there would be no surprises, no unexpected drama, no cameras, and most importantly NO alcohol. my weekend on the other hand... not so much.

to steal from colby angus, i would have to say this was the "weirdest weekEND. EVER".

last night, as i laid on my sofa and took in all that had happened over the past two days, an odd feeling began to stir up inside my stomach... was it anxiety, guilt, annoyance, regret? i'm still not sure but it remains, churning, making me completely uneasy.

somehow, i found myself catapulted into a social circle that i clearly did not evaluate before jumping into head first. i don't like to mess with the flow of friends, disturb the pace at which people play but with the loss of inhibitions, i threw caution to the wind and regressed past my own awareness.

i threw words out that landed in the laps of some that were not even on my radar. i pushed the envelope with new friendships and it seemed to smack me right back in the face. i portrayed a side of myself that i'm not particularly proud to show. and the guilty by association idea may have played against me (does that ever work out well?). but the thing i feel so uncomfortable about is the possibly of losing a friendship that is: one, still pretty new. two, held in high regards. and three, has great potential to be a strong friend to have in my corner. and the Lord knows i need and crave for good people to be in my corner. i am disappointed in myself for stepping up to the line of respect and putting my toes directly on the line. i know better.

so maybe that feeling churning in my stomach is a little of regret, which makes me upset because i have, or had, no regrets. i always own both my emotions and my actions. so, i guess that is what i must do. it is, what it is... i have no apologies for being myself. even if that self is a bit of a giggling cu*t at times.

reflection.

by JacqleenBleu

my SBJ died on a sunday. for the longest time i thought sundays would forever be marked by 'today is so many weeks since he died'. thank you God, for letting life go on so i would not keep counting. even though i do find myself walking a hallway or driving a long ride and thinking to myself, 'wow, two years. i have been without him for two years. yet, i still feel like he's infused in every part of my life.

the morning of his service i showered. put on my makeup. blow dried my hair and pulled it back. i opened the closet and pulled out the black dress that i had worn only two weeks before to carolina's christening where i stood next to him, clinging so tightly to the comfort of his arms. i thanked my mother for ironing the dress while i slipped it in. i closed the clasp on my favorite set of pearls as they lay resting on my neck. pushed on the backs to the matching earrings. slipped on my black high heels and grabbed my black sunglasses and wool coat... as i walked out the hotel room, i caught my reflection in the mirror that stopped me dead in my tracks and i thought to myself, 'you were made for this. head up, baby girl... head up.' we buried him him on a wednesday.

countdown.

by allegrae

grant it, i did not get to the office until noon but it's been two hours and i haven't even logged into my work email to see the massive amounts of crap i need to get done. good thing i only have thirty one days, two hours and forty eight minutes left of this job.

noted.

by pinkavenger

last night i had a sad dream.

it was an old friend and i. we were fighting over the path our friendship had gone. screaming... not hitting or anything of that sort. and the crazy thing is that it could have been a legitimate fight. the words exchanged between he and i were so real. the words used, the actions made, the sentiments expressed were all extremely palpable. in my dream i felt as if i was in a place i didn't belong.

this is the part in a dream book where it would say...

"meaning:
your conscience is telling you something ... are you getting it?!!... hello?!! anyone there?!!... do you understand or do we need to spell it out for you?!!"

yes! yes! i fucking get it. noted! now back off.

any how, the dream was an exhausting exchange... so exhausting that when i woke up this morning, not only did i have the residual emotions looming within my brain but physically i felt beat... even after 8 hours of sleep. i still have not been able to shake those feelings but i know throughout the day they will drop off one by one.

words can not explain how much i am brokenhearted in losing my friend, my go to guy. i have and will continue to miss, miss, miss him so very much. :*

wacked.

leisure suit lily

a friend said she felt discombobulated this morning and this exactly how i'm feeling as well. i'm not on the ball and i feel extremely unorganized and out of sorts, physically and mentally. i need some time to get my mind right. thank goodness tomorrow is friday.

comfort.

by belleandboo

you know that feeling when you just want to climb into someones arms and let them hold you... squeeze you so tight that you can almost feel the breath being pushed out of you... strip off all the facades we put up along the day and be yourself without judgment...when you get chills but the comforting kind because you're cuddled up all cozy-like... and you can feel all the stuff you've been carrying around on your shoulders all day fall to the floor... and it seems as if you are in the best place in the world... a place that is incredibly safe... you know that feeling?

i miss it.

winter

by matteart

tomorrow at 1:58am, winter will be say farewell until next year and it will be time for all the pretty sweet things of spring... my favorite time of year!

sweater.

today, i am wearing the sweater i wore when my SBJ and I took our engagement pictures. i think i have only worn this sweater one other time. not because it's special, mainly because the bottom seam rolls up on it's self and i tend not to care much for that type of look. and due to the fluctuating weather that texas is so well known for, it's 50º outside and i'm tired of wearing black... so i picked the green wool sweater from the back of my closet.

while making my rounds this morning at the office, i caught a glimpse of my reflection in a glass door, realized in that moment i was wearing this particular sweater and thought to myself... would james be happy with the person i am today? with the decisions i have made? with the place i am at in my life? i find myself wondering this all the time.

not that i could ever imagine james not liking anyone... though people got on his nerves and he didn't care much for other with snot nose attitudes and a particular guy who persistently tried to court his wife, he got along with everyone. and i mean EVERYONE. so for me to even think that he wouldn't like me today would be silly. but i still think about it.

unfocused.

by Frederic Terral

i have a stack of work sitting right in front of me... it's been sitting there all morning. i don't want to touch it but i know i must. i need focus. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS.

i hate this job.

judgement.

by sadiesez

maybe it's because i live in a great little liberal city, austin, texas. or maybe it is because of my few major life experiences that have given me prescriptive. or maybe it really is because the people of my generation are changing. but why do i get so incredibly offended when people are quick to judge?!

i'll be the first one to poke fun, crack a joke, or make a snide remark at someone else's expense but my comments, complaints or concerns are in no way a judgement call on that persons personality or lifestyle. it's my poor attempt to pull some humor out of my ass and yes it may be bad moral judgement but it's not personal.

i am irritated by those of you who think you are honestly better than me... better than anyone for that matter! why is your life, your issues, your successes, your burdens so much more important than mine. do we not all have to climb something to get to the top... and do we not all fall to the same kind of depths? now, i'm not saying i don't want to hear about your trials and triumphs because i do! i think we gain a little prospective when we truly empathize with our comrades. but respect my stories as well. and don't for one second think you are better than anyone else on this rock because of your experiences. the hills you just ran across may be the next guys mountain that he has to hike up. you may be in a better place in your life than me. you may be on your way to your highest dreams. hell, you might be happy in every single aspect of your world but lets be honest.... they way you treat me... the way you treat others... may need some examining.

and yes, this may be a little bit judgemental on my part but my feelings are hurt that you think so little of me that you treat me this way. when i am shown so little respect, it makes me not want to wish you well, it makes me not want to be happy for you. and to think those feelings about other people is just not right.... it looks like i may have some work to do myself.

rant.

{rant and rave pendent. click to zoom in.}

by XOHandworks

i don't even know where to begin this morning...
i hate mondays. they are the bain of my existence. i pray for the day where i enjoy waking up and going to work on a monday morning, or every morning for that fact. if i had one life dream, i think that would most defiantly be it. yep, pretty sure that's it. but until i make that come to fruition, i am here at my current job which isn't THAT bad. due to the monsoon rains pouring down on me this morning when i exited my vehicle at the office, my hair was drenched. perk numero uno for working at a beauty supply company... hair dryers, straighteners, brushes and products galore! i think my hair looks better now than when i left the house. see... i just pulled out the silver lining on my rainy day cloud! awww...

moving on.
i really hate PC's. i told myself i would never be one to rant on about the pc vs mac debate because really, it's so effing annoying but g.d. if pc's don't make it so easy to hate them. all i really want are my widgets. okay, that's a lie. i want my faster processor, my larger memory space, my prettier display, and my fun and easy apps. i want to be able to work on my mac all day, everyday instead of this craptatic p.o.s.

next.
i miss my family. it always happens this way... i am going to visit next weekend for Easter but i want to go this weekend. i miss hanging out with my sisters. even though since sister no. 1 moved to the middle of nowhere and sister no. 2 is busy busy busy selling properties, we really don't spend that much time together when we do visit. and i miss my parents. sometimes, it's incredibility frustrating to have conversations with my father because it's the same trivial topics or he takes FOREVER to get his point across and i get irritated. but i enjoy it when all is said and done. and my mom. God love her. i wish i knew what made my mother happy. because then i would do it. every day.

and finally.
something has got to give. i have been struggling with making a change but yet have made no decisions to do so. i hate to say it but i am scared of failing. and know everyone is but i don't want to be scared. i want to be fierce. not tranny fierce. just fierce with a dash of hot mess. one day peeps... one day.

social.

this week i've been pretty shut out to socializing with my peeps and i'm not really sure why but... i am so ready to get this weekend started. the weekend calender if full and i'm ready to check, check, check things right off my list! hopefully i can squeeze in some rest and relaxation in between all the fun. hooray for the weekend! HOORAY!

batty.

by skunkboycreatures

when i was somewhere around 10 years old, sister no.2 and i shared a bedroom and from time to time the mess would get just completely out of control. as all mothers do, ours repeatedly tried to find ways to help us clean up our room without really helping us at all. so sister no.2 and i came up with a method of throwing EVERYTHING that was on the floor into a large pile and then make sub piles to breakdown the chaos. we would then attack the small piles one at a time until everything was put away properly.

i know... it was a lovely story... and i tell it, so well. but i DO have a point.

this past week i have felt like i have {insert witty idiom that refers to some sort of stressful mind mayhem and it's annoying, aggravating tendency to drive me bat shit crazy}. the same 50 thoughts are cycling in my brain. it's either about work, dreams, friends, family; the norm, i suppose but it's irritating this week because i can't seem to get my thoughts organized. i wish i could climb into my mind, throw all these thoughts, emotions, and ideas into a pile. make them tangible. look at them. hold them in my hands. put them into neat little piles so that i can put them away according. if only life was as simple as when i was 10 years old.

p.s. i am aware the picture is of an owl and i referenced bats. deal with it.